Ahh Christmastime! The time for gathering with loved ones to enjoy the festivities of the season: a sleigh ride over newly-fallen snow, giving a special gift, reconnecting over old family recipes, and enjoying the warmth of a roaring fire. What other time of year can evoke such wonderful feelings and merriment? None. I love Christmas, and I celebrate it wholeheartedly (I’m in fact listening to Christmas music as I type), but for all of you Halloween-lovers the constant and expected joy of the Christmas season can start to feel a bit inauthentic. Because with the festive music and mugs of hot chocolate comes fake smiles, annual Black Friday tramplings, flipping your shit after hearing Mariah Carey’s *All I Want for Christmas one too many times, and forcibly wearing your happy helmet whilist locked in a room with your extended family for several hours. Does this more accurately describe your Christmas this year?
So for you my Jolly Goblins, I’ve compiled some tips to help make next year’s Christmas season feel a little more like you:
We’ve been seeing a surge in Krampus’ popularity over the past couple holiday seasons, but the story behind this holiday nightmare is hundreds of years old. Fable has it that Krampus would travel the land with St. Nick every Christmas Eve, and as Santa gave all of the nice children presents, Krampus had something else in store for the naughty ones, something much more sinister than a lump of coal. Krampus would take the naughty children, stuff them in a sack, and take them back to his lair where he would boil them in black ink before devouring their tasty little bodies. How deliciously evil!
Aside from the fantastic motivation this will give your children to be nice this season, Krampus is the perfect evil counterpart to Santa; you can even decorate your home with Krampus knickknacks! I own this beautifully crude Krampus ornament and will soon be collecting this statue and this ornament from DellaMorte. Just imagine moving this Krampus doll from room to room every night to keep watch over your children. Screw the Elf on the Shelf, Krampus is watching now.
Don’t just go with the typical holiday decorations, make them your own and embrace the irony of a beautifully lit coffin or cannibalistic wicker reindeer. Relatives or even neighbors may gawk at your holiday decorating ideas, but you can be spooky without sacrificing the festive nature of the season. Use a string of multi-colored (you’re a tight-ass if you prefer white lights and everyone knows it) Christmas lights to create a spider web, throw a Santa hat on your gargoyle, or go all out like this home and synch your exterior decorations to Slayer \m/
Many people seem to overlook the terrifying nature of the monsters in some of our most beloved Christmas stories. This is because thwarting these beasts armed with nothing but the magic of Christmas makes us focus on their reformed, merry disposition. But don’t forget Winter Warlock in Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town, he was prepared to murder Kris Kringle and Topper (A TINY LOST PENGUIN) before the Kringle melted his heart with a toy choo-choo. There’s also The Bumble in Rudolph who attempts to devour a goofy explorer, a misfit elf, and Rudolph himself. Killing small elves and tiny, helpless woodland creatures is pretty low.
A Christmas Carol may be the only Christmas story that I will enjoy in multiple forms every holiday season. Other than the original novella, there are fantastic theatrical productions performed everywhere and several film versions that hold their own: there are the versions with George C. Scott and Patrick Stewart playing Scrooge, Mickey’s Christmas Carol, and my musical favorite - The Muppet Christmas Carol. But these children’s versions fool us into thinking that this story is for kids.
A Christmas Carol is a frightening look into how a life wasted in the pursuit of wealth will result in facing death very much alone. What could be more terrifying than having multiple ghosts show you that you have become the illustrator of your own life-long misery? That’s when you know you’ve massively fucked up. Actually, if you read my post on Defining the Genre of Horror, you’ll find it difficult not to classify A Christmas Carol as a horror story.
What spooky Christmas would be complete without a showing of the beloved Nightmare Before Christmas? This now 20 year old film (feeling old?) has found a place in the hearts of so many, but no place so deep as in those who enjoy the darker side of life. It’s a film that brings together two favorite holidays, two polar opposites, and teaches us that the best thing to be is yourself.
So next Christmas, do just that. Celebrate the holiday season with a twinkle in your eye and a Krampus on your shelf, or a spider ornament on the tree, or just watch Gremlins over and over. But whatever you do, be you, and have yourself a spooky little Christmas next year.
You have over 350 days, so start working now! Get some stuff on sale and modify it! I want pics!